I recently took my bass trombone out of the closet after going months without playing. My recent break from playing is the longest break I’ve ever taken from trombone in 17 years, since I first started playing in fourth grade.
Imagine spending 17 years learning something, going to school for 6 years for it, playing with orchestras, taking private lessons, participating in masterclasses, doing solo recitals, playing almost every day of your life and then just… nothing. That trombone which once had so much life has been sitting in the closet month after month, collecting dust. I haven’t been able to get myself to play again.
I think part of the reason I went so long without playing was that life just kinda got in the way, and I had to focus on other things for a while. I was focused on work, and getting established in New York. I think I needed a break for other reasons too, though. Getting distance from something for long enough can change your perspective on it when you come back.
Right after grad school, practicing felt like a mindless habit, and sometimes an obligation. I did it because I didn’t how to live without playing trombone.
I felt lost though, because I didn’t know what groups I could join in New York, and I felt like I was just practicing alone in my basement and preparing for nothing in particular. I also had imposter syndrome, and felt I had to keep practicing and practicing and practicing in order to even attempt joining any groups in the city, which served to further isolate me, and made practicing feel like a never-ending prison sentence. At the same time, it got difficult to practice consistently, and I felt guilty when I started missing days. There was a mix of emotions surrounding trombone at the time. It was an unsustainable loop that I eventually broke by giving up.
When I started playing again last Friday, I did it because I missed it. At first, I had to spend some time doing some maintenance on the trombone, as one of the rotors wasn’t moving at all. I had to use all sorts of tools to try to get it to move at all. I eventually got it working again.
When I started actually playing again, it felt like a break from everything else in life. It was something I was doing for my own enjoyment. I warmed up and played my scales and etudes, and my session felt so relaxed. There was zero urgency. I didn’t feel like I had to get anything in particular done. Towards the end, I even looked up arrangements of songs and played those for fun.
Since Friday, I’ve played every day. I’m not tracking it intentionally, and I’m not trying to make it into another habit or another goal. If I play, I play. If not, it’s no big deal!
Also, I’m not ‘anti goals’. a lot of times, having goals when playing can actually be part of what makes it fun. You set a challenge for yourself and see if you can do it. You reflect and practice skills like identifying and solving problems. I just want to allow that stuff to come up organically, rather than feeling like I somehow need to set goals and make some sort of consistent progress right away. Sometimes it is nice to just play for the sake of playing. I loved my experience playing in orchestras and other ensembles and would absolutely love to join a community orchestra at some point.
I’ll write more about playing trombone and music soon! Maybe I will follow up on this in about a week!
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